This is all new to me. A year ago, I had just joined Facebook and MySpace to help promote my first novel, Four Wives. I had a website as well. It was incredibly strange to have so much of me out there for the world to see, and yet I came to appreciate the ability to find long lost friends. In this past year, I have had closure with three former boyfriends and “friended” countless people I knew in college and high school. One of these reconnections has resulted in an awesome joint venture on film projects. Every time these things happen, I am struck by the power of these vehicles to connect the world.

And yet … I am “friends” with many people I have never met and probably never will meet. Every day, I hear about their thoughts as they’re cooking dinner or how messy their car is after a massive playdate for their kids. I learn about their favorite restaurants and even tiffs with their spouses. It is personal, and yet impersonal. Intimate and yet a click away from disconnection. How are we to process this?

Twitter is the latest craze and good god, it is a monster! I can now catch up with hundreds of people while siting in my bed late at night. I can find out what they did all day or how they feel about swine flu or the state of the economy. I learn about their anxiety over a dinner party the next night or maybe the start of a new relationship. I know about their kids and what happened to them at school or on the playground. And I get to know all of this without seeing or even talking to them. 

And they can know about me. I have had so many moments in my life where I’ve thought “I wish someone could see this!” like the time I managed to juggle a live radio interview while folding laundry and talking to my kids via post-it notes under my door. Or those countless times when they were babies and being incredibly cute or maybe not, maybe incredibly awful and I was wondering how much more I could take before the day was over. We have all had those moments, and now instead of wishing someone could witness them with us, we can pop on Twitter, post it and have instant feedback. From strangers!

I’m not sure what I think about this. Maybe I should have titled this entry “I have no lucid thoughts on Twittering.” Some days I am grateful for the connection with the outside world. Other days I feel even more disconnected from the world because my real world friendships seem diluted by the hundreds of cyber space contacts. I imagine my children will not have any ambivalence. They will come of age with texting and Twittering and Facebook. I wonder sometimes what their relationships will be like as a result. Maybe better because they will be able to find like-minded people wherever they may be. Or maybe worse because they will be so busy on the internet that they’ll never leave their apartments. How many books have been written on this topic? Can anyone agree? Can anyone really make a prediction?

I am curious what other people think about this. Even people I have never met. Leave me a comment and I’ll be sure to “friend” you!

Wendy

One of the best things about editing Power Moms for Chicken Soup for the Soul is that I have met so many incredible women! One of those women is stay-home mom and blogger Sue Wilkey. Sue’s blog has over 1000 subscribers, so I decided to ask her how she did it. Here’s what she has to say:

Q: How many children do you have and how old are they?

A: I have 2 girls, 11 and 8, and a 17 year-old stepson who lives with us full-time. 

Q: What has been your path of motherhood – did you stay home from the beginning?

A: I did. I was working as a graphic designer when I first got pregnant, and I quit work as soon as my pregnancy started making me tired and nauseous. No one wants a nauseous designer.

Q: What were the crucial factors in making this decision?

A: I wish I could say I was conflicted and wracked with angst about leaving the workforce, but the truth is, I didn’t love my job that much. Really, I’ve always been the girl who hears the alarm clock and thinks: “How close are we to Friday.” The closest I had EVER come to ‘loving’ a job was when I bartended to make extra money at night.

Q: Have you always wanted to be a writer of some kind?

A: Always. Ever since I was a kid. But never serious stuff: I would make up pamphlets or fake newspapers to make my friends laugh. I would submit funny poems or Top Ten lists for the school newspaper or corporate newsletter. My dream job was to write Hallmark cards.

Q: What other types of writing did you do?

A: I used to have to write boring reports for market research companies, and I did some copywriting, but having to use other people’s content and structure always felt very limiting.

Q: When did you start your blog?

A: A year ago- last April. We had moved to Pennsylvania for my husband’s job and I was really lonely- really missing my friends from Connecticut. So I would write them these dopey emails, complete with graphics that I thought were entertaining. Some didn’t reply at all, some said “You need a hobby” and some said “You need a job.” And I thought: You know what? That WAS funny…and there’s an audience out there somewhere that will agree. And so I Googled ‘How to start a blog’ and that email I sent became my first post: “Lunch With Jesus.”

Q: How did you manage to build an audience – there are a lot of mommy bloggers out there!

A: Networking, networking, networking. I joined Mom Bloggers Club, Humor Bloggers, Cre8buzz, Alltop, Fuel My Blog, Facebook and Twitter. But just joining’s not enough- you have to participate in discussions and visit a LOT a blogs and leave comments.

Q: How do you decide what to write about?

A: I really didn’t ‘decide’….I just wrote about whatever popped into my head: whether it’s the bizarre stuff that happens to me, like the plant growing out of my sink, or current events, or imaginary scenarios, like Jesus giving me diet tips. Jesus pops up a lot. He thinks I’m funny, most of the time.

Q: When do you find time to write?

A: I try and write a post every 2 days, and I generally do it when the kids are at school.

Q: Do you blog for fun mostly, or do you have expectations of earning income?

A: Humor blogging is incredibly lucrative. I’m kidding. The most I’ve ever made in a month is $62 from the ads on my site. It’s for fun, it’s a creative outlet, and more than anything it’s validation: Getting those 30-60 comments per post of people saying “that’s hilarious” is so gratifying: it’s like having a boss that tells you 30 times a day you’re doing a great job. On top of that, I have close to 1000 subscribers, so I feel like I must be  doing something right.

Q: What tips do you have for other moms who want to start successful blogs?

A: Well, it depends how you define ’success’. I don’t know about selling things, but if you just want people to come back to hear what you have to say, go with your gut, be yourself, write like you’re talking to your best friend.

Q: Do you think the internet has become so overloaded that finding a committed audience is harder than before?

A: Actually, no. I think women, moms in particular, are becoming more aware of internet socializing and blogging is bringing us all closer together and making our voices heard. Mom-bloggers are becoming such a huge segment, that if you’re doing it right, you’ll get noticed. Plus, women by nature are supportive, so instead of it being a competitive atmosphere, we’re always trying to promote each other.

Q: Why do you think moms are so interested in blogging and twittering?

A: I think motherhood by design can be pretty lonely. Now suddenly there’s a worldwide community of women to connect with, chat with, sympathize with, available whenever you are – with your morning coffee, or at 3am if you can’t sleep. I think it’s essential for women to get back to that person they were before becoming wife and mother – for me, my blog and the friends I’ve made through it have done that. Whatever it takes to get you back there, I highly recommend it

Check out Sue’s blog at 

http://happymealsandhappyhour.blogspot.com/2008/04/lunch-with-jesus_10.html

With Easter weekend now come and gone, the issue of faith is on my mind. Here’s why.

The weekend started out on Friday. My kids had the day off from school and spent some time with their dad. I went for a long run, then an even longer walk with a close friend. I worked the rest of the day, had dinner with another friend and went to bed. I know there are many of you out there who are thinking this is a darn good way to spend a Friday, but it’s always hard to be away from the kids and I had my usual mini-identity crisis. Who the heck is this person doing what she pleases all day long?  But no worries – Saturday came soon enough. I rushed through the morning buying candy and stuffing over 200 plastic eggs. Then I assembled Easter baskets and hid everything in a closet. The kids returned at noon.

It was raining and cold, so we had one of those days inside where everyone fights and begs to do video games and watch TV. The day ended with a huge fight over the Simpsons, and without disclosing the gory details, I sent them all to bed early. Then I cried in my bathroom, watched some TV, and at around 11pm faced the rain and cold to hide 200 eggs in the yard with my brother.

Sunday morning arrived and the kids were still mad about the Simpsons. They searched for the eggs and fought even more about how many each was finding. At this point I threw my hands in the air, then got the kids in the car and drove into town for bagels. Along the way, I pointed out the packed churches and swarms of people dressed up for services. My kids are being raised agnostic – which really means that they are being taught about different religions and their own mixed heritage of Christianity and Judaism. We talk to them about how they have to find their own faith and beliefs about God. They are very curious about God and, overall, I have been impressed by their desire to think about God and search for beliefs that they can truly have faith in.

However….it occurred to me on this Easter sunday that they could use a little perspective. So, parked outside one of the churches, I reminded them what Easter is all about. I talked to them about the belief in Jesus Christ, his birth, his death, and his resurrection. My oldest son corrected me on some of the facts (always fun when that happens) and then we all discussed the story, whether it could possibly be true and why so many people believe it is. Nothing was decided, but their understanding was deepened and they stopped complaining about plastic eggs and candy.

When they went to their dad’s  (to find even more eggs), I went home to clean up and regroup. And along the way, I started to think about faith, not just in God or a particular religion, but in everything. The past ten years have been a long journey for me. Giving up work for marriage and kids. Dedicating more and more time to writing when there was no guarantee it would go anywhere. Divorcing and having to make a new home for my kids. When I think about it sometimes, I actually lose my breath. Everything I did was supported by nothing but faith.

Now I am staring down my 42nd birthday in a new house, taking new risks with this fledgling career that, still, comes with no guarantees, and facing the world of dating again after 16 years with the same person. Doubt follows me around like a stalker, filling my head with negative thoughts and my heart with fear. There are so many questions. Will my kids be OK? Will this career sustain me? Will I survive in this new era of internet dating and what seems to be an increasing level of human disconnection? 

There are no answers, and believe me, I have tried to find them. My friends are on the brink of sending me bills for ad hoc therapy sessions discussing the meaning of life, happiness, control, letting go. And having faith. When I was done cleaning up and getting ready for the end of this crazy weekend, I sat in my room and stared at the post-it note my youngest son had written, and of which I wrote a few weeks back. I read the words “I Love You.” I picked up the books that now have my name on them and remembered back to the first time I held one of my babies. And then to the first time I started to write a novel. And I realized that even with doubt on my heels the whole way, my children have learned to love and my work has managed to find a path. Faith means different things to all of us. Right now, I think I’ll hold on tightly to mine and see where it takes me next.

Another week, another book! Four Wives was released yesterday in paperback, with a new cover and a reader’s guide. I am very excited about this because I have been to a dozen book groups to speak about the novel and the discussions are always interesting and lively! Here is the number one question women ask me about the book:

Who are the characters based on?

My answer is always the same. An emphatic NO ONE! The truth about Love, Janie, Marie and Gayle is that they are completely fictitious. Every author has her own method for constructing a novel. Some start with a character and build the plot around her. Others begin with a plot and construct the characters to give life to the action. And others, including myself, have issues they want to explore in the novel and then we develop characters and plot to explore those issues. Each of my four characters began with an issue that I saw around me every day as a veteran stay-at-home mom in the suburbs of Connecticut. I thought about how I could examine those every day issues through my characters and the plot that evolves throughout the book.

Love was the first to emerge. I was thirty-six when I started writing Four Wives. I had three small children and had been at home with them for six years. Like Love the first time we meet her, I was nursing my youngest child at three in the morning. I was going through a period with no baby sitter help and spent my days driving and juggling, and my nights in small segments of broken sleep. More than anything else, I longed for naps and coffee, and on that particular night I was thinking about how strange this life was. I had been a lawyer and a banker. I was approaching middle age. My life was a cocktail of physical exhaustion and mental starvation and I was not satisfied. But at the same time, I loved my children more than I had ever imagined I could love anything, and I wanted to be with them, seeing every precious moment of their development. And I was not alone. This issue was so prevalent among my peers it seemed that sometimes it was all we talked about, when we had time to talk at all. That night I turned my thoughts to a character in this same stage of life, and I gave her a plot that takes the reader through her struggle with this very common conflict for stay-home moms. 

Marie was next. It was clear to me early on in my life as a suburban wife and mother that the dynamics of marriage are altered when there is a complete division of labor within the family. Marie and her husband used to share a life as high powered lawyers, and suddenly they find themselves living separate lives – Marie as a part-time lawyer and full-time homemaker, and her husband working ridiculous hours in New York City. Everything has changed for them, and just to make things more interesting, I threw in the perfect temptation for Marie – an attractive, young intern who looks at her the way her husband used to.

Gayle evolved in my mind over several weeks. One of the main constructs of suburban life is the pressure to be married and stay married. I wondered what it would be like for a woman who was in a marriage that was verbally abusive and destructive. The fault lines are hidden. The damage slow-burning and cumulative, making it difficult to gather the conviction to leave. Gayle took on this issue. She is generous and kind-hearted, and understands that it is her family’s incredible wealth that drives her husband into his fits of rage. But there is so much talk among her peers about the ups and downs of marriage that Gayle has a tough time realizing how bad her marriage really is – until she sees things through the eyes of a trusted employee and friend.

Finally, we have Janie. I could not write a book about marriage in the suburbs without touching on the issue of malaise. No matter how strong a marriage, after twenty years or so, the relationship is simply not the same as it was. Sometimes the bond grows stronger. And sometimes, as it is with Janie, the bond disappears leaving nothing but the bare-boned structure of the life built together. Janie loves this life, her kids, her daily routine. She just doesn’t love her husband, nor does she feel any love from him. And, like many people, she mistakenly believes that an affair will somehow fill this gap within her so she can keep everything she has. 

Four Wives. Four issues. When people tell me that they think they know who Janie really is, or who Marie is based on, I always set them straight, but at the same time feel a bit gratified. If readers think they know my characters, then I have done my job in making them relatable. Let me know what you think!

Wendy