In my last blog, I wrote about the “recession lit” angle of my new novel, Social Lives, which is coming out Tuesday. The issue of what a woman does when she has spent her prime years working for her family, only to have her husband leave them in ruin, is fascinating and drives the suspense of the book. But a second issue underpinning the story involves 14 year-old Caitlin Barlow and her new friends, who engage is the epidemic of their generation – the “Friends with Benefits” or “Hooking Up” phenomenon.

Here is how that works. A group of friends hang out – at school, after school, at parties. Boys and girls all within a circle of friends. Randomly and without any intention or promise of emotional intimacy, they hook up, which mostly involves the girls performing sexual favors for the boys. I have heard professionals discuss this issue with great concern, as it appears this generation is losing the ability to form meaningful emotional relationships that become the foundation for physical intimacy. Instead, the physical intimacy is completely detached and given no greater significance than, say, having a conversation or going to a movie. 

For those of you as ancient as I, remember those teen years? Remember being at a party and secretly liking a guy who was there? If he talked to you, or kissed you, there was an expectation of dating and a hope of a relationship. If he went in a corner and made out with your best friend, you went home with a bruised or broken heart, regrouped and started over. And if things got far enough for clothes to start hitting the floor, there was always the possibility of a one-night stand, but also the hope of something more.

None of that seems to exist anymore. From teen years into early twenties, men and women hook up without expectation, but with an on-going, caring friendship. If they are in need of some physical attention, they start texting around to see who’s free. The “friends with benefits” of the teen years become the “fuck buddies” of the twenties. And no one seems to know how to navigate away from this when feelings develop beyond casual sexual desire.

So what’s wrong with this? Is this just a natural progression of the social networking that younger generations have grown up with? Is Twittering and Facebooking creating a different social culture in which hooking up is the natural extension? And is this all healthy, in spite of how foreign it may seem to me and my generation? I actually have a strong opinion about this. NO!

First and foremost, let’s go back to the fact that most of the teenage hooking up is girls performing sex acts on boys. The unreciprocated blow job. It shocked me to learn that one of the most prevalent STD’s among teenage girls is now gonorrhea of the throat. Yes, that’s right. Of the throat. From a feminist perspective, and as the mother of three boys, I find this to be a glaring hole in any argument made which suggests this is healthy. Moral issues aside, boys are getting sex and girls are giving sex. That inequity alone is enough of a red flag that something is not right here.

But now let’s talk about morality, and the social consequences of this behavior. To assume that sex and emotional intimacy can be so completely extricated is absurd. Yes, there is sex for sex. And yes, there are happy one-night stands and prostitution and on and on. But we are not talking about that. We are talking about friends who know each other, see each other, respect each other. To pretend that a young girl walks away from a hallway blow job feeling nothing for the boy, either disgust or longing, is to belie the very existence of our humanity. I don’t care what anyone says or writes. In that room of teenagers, every boy secretly wants the attention of one girl more than the others, and every girl secretly wants to catch the eye of one boy over the others. Whether they admit it or not, act on it or not, this is the reality of attraction. So when that girl goes into a bedroom with a different guy, or vice versa, there are feelings of disappointment and jealousy and hurt. And, OMG – there they are! Real emotions. So why is such effort being made to deny them?

Caitlin Barlow is wealthy and privileged and beautiful. Yet, until now, she has not been popular. Suddenly, she is offered a place among the elite at her school and she takes it, even though it means participating in activities that make her profoundly uncomfortable. She does a sexual favor for one of the boys in their circle, and she finds herself obsessed with him. His hands on her body, his mouth on her mouth – all of these feelings are woven into what she believes to be love. And yet, at every turn, she must endure his casual indifference to her and his availability to receive favors from other girls. It tortures her, and making him see her, and feel for her what she feels for him, becomes her life’s only purpose. And drives her to the brink of disaster.

For Caitlin, and indeed for all of us, to feel the heat of passion and see the longing in the eyes of a lover – and then to have it disappear within seconds – is dehumanizing. If that kind of intensity isn’t real, then nothing can be. And without a sense of reality in the world, we are left with a sense of chaos.

Cailtin’s journey through this experience is disturbing and moving, and at its core, deeply human. I hope readers will relate to her and find her story compelling and thought provoking.

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